My new normal is NOT what I planned for..... It's agrevating and disappointing but I can't change anything about it, except my perception and how I deal with it. Cancer is big. The realization that you may know your expiration date is daunting. The impact it has on your current lifestyle and the repercussions it may have on your future is not for the faint of heart. It's a journey, the ultimate fight, without a guaranteed win even with the best effort, and after everything is said and done, and you get the first "all clear" all the way up and past your last check-up that tells you you're pretty much at the same level of recurrence as someone that never had it, it's a mental excercise in balancing optimism and fear, with a wink to "not wanting to know"......
The aftermath is different for everyone. Not just because of the type of cancer, or your personality, but your body's reaction, your mental state before, during and after the treatment, and the way the world around you has your back. It's the sum total of it that defines the probablilty to live up to the sentiment that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Don't make the mistake that makes you a victim of the disease. YOU'RE NOT! You went into hell and came out the other side, yes, but you didn't come out the same person you went in. As long as you realise that, you're 10 steps ahead of where you think you are :-) Give yourself time to regroup, don't hesitate to ask for help, even if it is just a shoulder to lean on, and don't expect to be picking up where you left off with the same mindset.
I have scars, inside and out, I have no patience, I have problems picking up and/or holding on to things, I have days my body doesn't want to function, my internal heater is on the blink and I always wonder why I'm not using my second chance on life better.............
But the other side of the equasion is that I DID get a second chance, that I'm still here, I can still enjoy that misty sun up over the fields with Mike next to me, or that riot of colors as the sun goes down over the river, I found out who my friends are, and who only came around when I could help them out and not so much when I needed them, I found out that trying to explain what was going on was looked at as complaining by some people and I found that I am waaaaay more helpful to people, because, "I've been there".
The new normal I have to deal with, is discovering how people think, for instance, did you know, that with a cancer diagnosis here in The Netherlands, you have a hard time getting a mortgage, because of the risk that you kick the bucket before you're paid up? Did you know that the chance of being accepted for life-insurance here is anywhere between No and Hell No? Yup, no discrimination on age, sex, religion or orientation is in full force, but don't ever get sick...... that seems to be a free-for-all here.
When going thru the treatment and its aftermath, I had no problem being positive, because something was being done to get me better....... After the treatments were done, I walked around like a 2 year old, enjoying the little stuff, like watching a butterfly, or just listening to the rain hitting the window. Just overall enjoying being alive. To get my brain back after chemo, I learned Adobe photoshop. At first every time I sat in front of the computer it was like I learned something completely new, but after a few weeks little stuff that came up every time, started to stick and I would connect dots that hadn't connected the day before. Because I knew I wouldn't remember stuff, I would pay more attention. I would still forget, but I kept trying and eventually I didn't need the manual, and after about a year and a half, I didn't need my notes anymore. When I realized that, I was so happy. I thought that was the last hurdle.... well, that, and learning to walk right. I never thought that those milestones wouldn't be the last of it.
At the same time, it was hard to think past the next check up. I never made appointment past that date, didn't plan anything, and my birthday invitations alsways went out after I got the results back and I wrote the Christmas update letters before the last appointment of the year. It wasn't that I thought every ache and pain was signaling the return of my cancer.... I just didn't trust my body to betray me again.
I used to teach 8 to 18 year olds how to ride a horse. I had patience and I loved to teach. Loved to give way more information that was needed, to learn, just on the off chance that they would get interested in how things worked, not just in knowing that it worked. I used to help my coworkers out in paying attention to what was meant, not just what was said, teach them patience and understanding of the person on the other side of the phone.
I used to multi-task and not miss a beat when plans were changed at the last minute. I could plan for a trip into the mountains, and get a call that Mike had to go into work, and be fine with it and do something around the house. I could get up at 4 in the morning, pack a bag for a weekend away, en plan the trip on the fly while getting out of town.
I used to be able to give the outside world my "happy go lucky" face almost all of the time. I would have a smile for everybody, sometimes even for the most grumpy of a-holes. I would try and please everybody as much as I could, keep the peace and never show that I was upset if it wasn't directly related to what was going on at the moment.
The house and my desk was messy but clean. The messy part didn't bother me because I knew where everything was. I could tell you where what was in any book on the shelf, without too much thinking, or tell you where to find things in different stores. If it was information you were after, I could pretty much tell you the rack and the shelf in any of the libraries in town.
I would go run to clear my mind, or just for fun. Just being outside and doing that would make my day.
I don't recognize that person anymore. I don't have the layedback mindset to be patient, or the focus to shift gears on a moments notice. If it's not planned, there's a better than good chance it ain't going to happen, and even if it IS on a list, there's a good chance that I'll forget to check the list. I can barely breathe when walking, so running is definitely out of the question and as for keeping house and knowing where shit is located? Never going to happen. I need a notepad to keep track of chores and I have to make sure to spread them out over the week, so I don't put myself in a chair for over doing it.
Now, looking over this, you'd think I was a frogshair away from giving up, but believe it or not, I DO enjoy life and little things like watching the robins on the feeder, the changing of the trees in spring and fall and just walking in the park. Living in the city, the sunups and -downs are less of an issue but still enjoyed when we catch one :-) I just have to remind myself sometimes that whatever is behind me, is just that.... behind me. I can't change what happened, but I can influence what I do next. Mentally, I'm trying to be more even keeled when around people and being less grumpy in general. I'm working on my patience but that's a hard one to crack. LOL!
Physically, my new normal is constantly changing. Some I have accepted as "probably not going to improve" like my intermittant mobility, some I'm still working on improving (like said mobility :-) and my memory...), and some I've given up on, kindof, in a sense that I'm reworking my mindset on them, like how clean does the house have to be to stay healthy, and when is it clean enough to be able to have people visiting unexpectedly..... No dust is an impossibility, not just because I don't have the energy to dust every day, but a quarter inch of dust on the bookshelf is too much, so somewhere in between those two, I dust :-) Now if I could only figure out how to go about the yardwork........
I read somewhere that the Navy Seals have a motto that I would like to adopt.... The only easy day was yesterday! Maybe if I keep telling myself that, that last bit of "how the hell did I get here" will turn into "I'm so happy to be here" once again.
Please don't be discouraged that this will be your normal after you're done with treatments. There actually are people that go to chemo on their lunchbreak and come back to work the next day.... And there are some, like me, that never got back to who they used to be, and in between are probably 80% of the people going thru cancer treatments....Because of my severe weightloss and the combination of Chemo components, I pretty much ended up with every physical side and after effect that was listed in the paperwork, and because of life being the bitch she is, the mental parts still need to be dealt with. But even so, I'm still here :-) and so are you, so find something to smile about at every possible turn, don't let other people dictate what your limit for improvement is and keep breathing and loving but most of all live the life you have, not the one you planned on and do it to the best of your ability.
Love and Hugs (LOOOOOTS of hugs!!!)
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